chloe_may

So... I've been eating more the past four days than I have in weeks... and I've lost weight! I'm down to 122.6 from 124/125 a few days ago. I'm really excited because I was getting really frustrated. So now that that plateau is over... I can look forward to the next one! I'm hoping that I can keep my calories between 700-900 and really healthy. I really want to be 98-100 pounds. I can't really decide which, not that there's that big of difference. Hell, I guess I'll be happy when I hit 115. Or at least 110. I haven't weighed 110 since high school.

So, my foray into CRON (calorie restriction optimum nutrition) is going really well. I am struggling to eat 1000 calories a day though, so far I haven't. All the food I eat is so low calorie that I would really have to eat a ton of it to get my calories up that high. Plus, I feel like I'm getting enough food at around 700 calories. I've had 648 today, even though I was actually aiming for 1000. I'm really excited that I'm down to 122.6! I can almost taste the teens. I can't wait to reach my first GW, 110. I don't think I can give up my UGW (98) right now, but maybe when I reach 110 I will be satisfied and not want to lose more weight. I don't really see that happening, but maybe. For some reason 98 seems really attainable right now. I feel like I could really get there. And I could eat while doing it. Which is awesome.

I just ate a big dinner. 1 small stalk of steamed broccoli (about 153 grams of it), 8 shrimp in a lime chili sauce that I made, 5 steamed okra, and 2 cups of green tea. It was delicious and only 244 calories for the whole thing. Would have been more around 200 but I added a teaspoon of olive oil to it so that I could get good fat.

Also I tried "Quorn" for the first time today, it's a soy free, meat free chicken substitute that's high in protein and low in calories and saturated fat. And it's delicious and has a really chicken-esque texture. I highly suggest you guys try it if you can get your hands on it. It's in the frozen food section with the other not-meats. But probably not in a normal grocery store. But in a Whole Foods or Trader Joe's or some such other health/specialty grocery store.

I honestly recommend eating more if you're restricting way under 1000. I can't quite get up to 1000 yet (at least not 1000 calories worth of food... alcohol puts me at and above 1000 on a far too regular basis, like twice a week >< )

Stay Strong... and I think that I am finding there are other ways to reach our goals besides starving/puking.. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

Okay. So I'm a reformed coke head. But if coke is mentioned I freak out and get all myopic and want to do it. That is me. That is how it is. I wanted to coke tonight. (it's been over a year since I did it last). I reeally wanted to do coke tonight. I still do. But. It didn't happen. Instead I came home and got to clean up dog shit. Because some how I failed as a doggy mom and my dog shit in his crate. So tonight equals no coke + dog shit = booooo. my cat is licking my face nd neck right now, which is pretty cool and kind of hurts due to sand paper tongue. But I do kind of like kitty licks. So. Still fat. No coke. Dog shit. Kitty licks.

What a life..

I am so doing coke next weekend it isn't even funny. It hasn't sounded like a good idea in a long time but it sounds like the BEST idea I've ever had right now. Ugh... want.. blow.

Love you guys. Stay strong and think thin.

Well, I'd think I'd feel worse for binging and purging, but it's kind of like, whatever. I happened. I kind of just don't care. Purging just seems ten times better than eating and keeping it down. When I binge the decision to purge is already made before I put the first bite in my mouth. I wouldn't be binging if I didn't plan on purging. The biggest problem with it is I don't want to stop. I want burgers, tacos, pizza. I just want to eat and eat and eat and puke and puke and puke. I know that sounds fucking gross and pathetic, but it's how I feel. My husband went to a tattoo convention today without me. I was hung over and feeling lazy, but now I kind of regret not going. It sounds like fun. I'm going with him tomorrow, and I think he's going to have some work done, which is always exciting. I'm thinking about making myself a veggie burger right now. I don't know if I'll keep it down or not. It's not really a binge cause it's only like 200 calories. I probably won't work out today and I'm going out to a show with a friend tonight, so I'll be drinking. I just feel like a failure today and I guess I'm just going with that feeling. No work out today. Binge. Purge. Drink. Blah, I just feel totally apathetic right now. I almost don't care about my weight even. Almost. I'm at 124 today, and still am post binge, so that's good.

I don't even know what I want right now. I want to weigh 100 lbs right now. I want to wear the most awesome outfit I can think up. I want to get hit on. I want to get drunk. I want to smoke. I want to feel fucking hot. I DON'T want to eat a stupid motherfucking fatwich.

I hate being fat so much. I just want to look hot. My friend that I'm hanging out with tonight is the bbq, hot dog, etc eating one that is really skinny. Pisses me off. I think I'm going to play dress up now to get my mind off food.

man, i love my dog. he doesn't think i'm fat.

stay strong girls... and have a better day than I am.

Gotta love the trashed posts... yeah, so apparently last night I drank like half a white russian made with half and half. Yikes. I have no idea how many calories were in it, and I don't want to know. I'm just kind of pretending it didn't happen. I also drank like 7 light beers. Great great great.

I ate a relatively large breakfast to try to absorb my hang over. It was 180 calories. I had a reduced sodium V8 (70 cals) just for the nutrients. In the words of my husband they "taste like frog pee". Don't really know about that, but it kind of makes sense. And I had 24 pretzel sticks (50 cals) and 1/2 a cup of fiber one cereal with no milk (60 cals). I'm still hungry and feeling very binge prone. Night time and hangovers are my biggest binge times. But I'm determined to make it a full week without purging, so I won't binge. At least I hope not. I will probably eat again soon, which isn't technically a problem since I have told myself that I'm allowed to eat 800 calories a day. I haven't gotten up that high yet, but I'm trying to be okay with it just so long as I keep losing weight. I really want to drop down to 122 so that I feel like I'm fully over this plateau. I really really just want to be under 120 but I guess I need to work on my patience.

Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong.

for god's fucking sake. ok. i ate. i didn't eat. i ran. i drank. i drank white russian. with cream. i drank milk fat. i drank fat. fat fat fat. i want to die. i drank milk fat. what the fuck is wrong with me. fail sauce! i drank it! why....

zomg.

Pointless update.

I did not binge. I did run 3.6 miles and burn 445 calories.

I still feel like a pile of shaved ham... all pink and woogly. I hate feeling like a mushy meat pile. Hate it. But this work out means that I'm technically, all said and done, at -14 calories today. I'm sure I will drink beer and jack it up, but for whatever reason I wasn't really gaining weight from the beer when I was on somewhat of a bender last week, so I'm thinking it's not going to hurt me too badly. At most I'll consume 672 calories. I know that's a ton, but for some reason when it's booze it doesn't hurt me. I'm thinking about carrying my bottle of gin with me and just drinking water. I think that would be better. I don't want to be stressing about calories if I do go out because then I'm no fun so what's the point. I'd do just as well to stay home if I'm going to be bummed about my lard all night.

Hate my body so badly right now. I should be really happy and proud of myself for working out instead of pigging out, but oddly I just feel blah. Probably because I know I don't weigh any less or look any different.

Sometimes I wonder if my rabid body issues come from the fact that now that I'm married I can't get affirmation from random guys. I mean, I used to hook up a lot, so I was always feeling pretty good about myself because I'd think "That guy is cute. I'm going to get him." And then I would. And I felt hot and interesting. Now... I don't get to play that "game" anymore. I know promiscuity and general sluttiness aren't good for the old mental health, but sometimes I think a little excitement would get my thoughts off my body. Not that I would ever in a million years do anything questionable. I love my husband. But I just wonder if the lack of flirty fun stuff is contributing to my general sentiment that I look like I'm made of butter no matter how much weight I lose.

--------

I just weighed myself (since I was going to post my stats) and just wanted to make sure that *hope* against *hope* I hadn't lost a pound during the day... and I'm down to 123.6!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Yay me for running and not eating crackers! I know it's just water weight that I sweated out but I live and die by that motherfucking scale and I don't care WHY it says what it says just so long as it says it. Thank you thank you thank you God! I just needed to see a little improvement so that I wouldn't lose all hope entirely. Now, I am going to drink water and fuck it up again. That said... here are my pre-rehydration stats : )

height: 5'5"
CW: 123.6 (thankyouverymuch)
HW: 148 (blech)
LW: 110 (high school)
GW1: 110
UGW: 100

So ladies... stay strong and think thin... it pays off!

xoxo,
chloe

Great great great. All I wanna do is b/p. It's been five days since I purged anything at all, which is HUGE for me cause I was purging 10-3 times a day. Then I got down to 1-3 times a day... now.. yeah... purge free for five days... if I can make it two more that will be a week! But...

I wanna b/p so bad!! I hate this. I was doing so incredibly well. I didn't even _want_ to eat. I've had about 430 calories today thus far. And I feel like a fat slob. I just know I'll have gained weight tomorrow. I want to cry because I feel like no matter how little I eat I'll never lose weight. I know that isn't true, but after yo-yoing for a week or so I feel absolutely terrible. I feel like I was losing weight more when I was drinking every night.

I feel desperate and weak. I want to stuff my face so bad. I calculated how many calories are in an entire sleeve of saltines- 480. And I just want to b/p an entire sleeve of them. But if I b/p I'm going to feel like such a fucking failure. And I'll have a panic attack. I just don't feel strong enough right now. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Oh god, I want to cry. Why is this happening? Why do I want to eat so badly? I was fine yesterday, save my mini binge craving at night, but that's almost to be expected. I guess it's getting into my bad time... it is 8 PM here. Fuck fuck fuck. I just know I'm going to eat those crackers. But I don't want to do it with my husband around cause he's so proud of me for not throwing up.

No. NO NO NO. I won't do it. I'm getting on the treadmill. Right now. I don't care what I want. I am in control, not fucking crackers. I hate how much my strength comes and goes. Some days I feel invincible. Today I feel like a worthless pile of cracker inhaling meat. But I have not inhaled crackers yet. I can easily burn 400 on the treadmill. And that will take care of almost all the calories I've eaten today.

Ugh... it's going to be one or the other. Binge or run. I'll let you guys know how it turns out...

Well, I've been saying that it takes an active effort for me to eat at least 800 calories a day. I realize now, at 10:45 PM that that is not entirely true. I've only had 495 today, but now the binge craving is hitting me. Does anyone else want to blow up their television because all they show are fast food commercials? Or so it seems to me. And it's not like "hey, here's a sammich".. it's like the Taco Bell Fat Box or the "it weighs an entire pound" P-zone from pizza hut. Umm.. since when is a food item weighing a pound a selling point?!?! So, right now I'm basically starving and craving junk food and just want to take sleeping pills so that I don't eat. My husband is going out and I'm not going with him because I'm scared it will involve beer. I'm depriving myself, and I'm at a plateau and I'm PISSED. I just want to go down stairs and eat food but I know it will just depress me. What's going to depress me even more is waking up tomorrow and weighing the same even though I didn't binge. I feel like I can't win. I can't watch TV because it's just food food food. I don't understand why I can go all day without cravings, without even hunger... and then the WORST time to eat comes around (night time) and I want to oink it up. God. Dammit.

For some reason I was feeling as if I had "beat" food the past few days. Sure, I get the munchies but I eat celery and I'm done with it. I thought I could go the rest of my days without seeing another burger or pizza and not give a shit. Not so. I hate it. I don't even eat fast food. Ever. The only time I have bought fast food in the past five years was to eat it and throw it up. I've never ever eaten it with the intention of, you know, digesting it. And I haven't binged on it in months. But right now it's like all I can think about. Maybe I'm depriving myself more than I know. Maybe I should have a diet soda. I'm just rambling. The longer I type the longer I'm not rummaging around my kitchen crying. I might need a celery "binge". I hate ED. I hate it so fucking much. If I resist this I better fucking weight 123 tomorrow morning or I'm going to be so fucking pissed...

Stay strong girls... I'm struggling.

xoxo

I've been trying my ass off. I take in too many calories through alcohol. I eat too much. I'm pretty much always under 1000 calories a day (including alcohol) but that is NOT good enough. I'm back down to 124, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to weigh 123 in the morning. I was pissed at myself for eating virtually nothing today and then blowing it by drinking 6 ounces of liquor and one light beer. Boo. I was really really depressed and slept for three hours (which I never do, I'm not a napper). But then I got my act together and worked out hard for 30 minutes, burning 200 calories. I feel a little better about my day. I'm really going to pull it together tomorrow. I absolutely must be 119 by the time I go to the beach (August 9th) I really think I can do it. Just 4-5 more pounds.

I see my therapist again tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with that. I don't know why I chose to see a therapist. I think it's because I get scared when I purge. I've told her that there is no way I'm giving up my goal of 100 lbs. I know what I look like at 115-110, I look good, but not good enough. I have wanted to lose weight ever since I was 12 (I know some girls start so much younger). I'm 25 now. I just want to be happy with my body for once in my life. I feel like I'll really feel good about myself at 100 lbs. I want to not hate my thighs. I've never liked them. Ever. Just once I want to be like, hey! I have skinny legs!

I want it more than anything.

Stay strong girls. And as always, take care of yourselves. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, but thin doesn't feel like anything when you're dead.

Despite purging three times during the awful hamburger dinner last night (okay, it was fucking delicious but harrowing) I was back up to 125 today. I was so bummed. It's been incredibly hard not to eat today. I've had 425 calories, not counting a 160 calorie sandwich that I purged. I will probably eat some tofu noodles with fat free cheese (70 cal). It's not that good, but it's filling and will hopefully help me not to binge. Which I SERIOUSLY want to do right now. I hate how easy some days are and how hard others are. I've been having anxiety about my health today, but I think maybe it was just the two cups of coffee that I drank. I really really hope that my weight is at least back down to 124, but I'm really hoping for 123. Ugh, I hate this. I just want to be 100 pounds.

A weird thing... since I've lost weight people have started being nice to me. Strangers are nicer to me. It's weird. It only goes to show... thin = the best. I used to think me stopped paying attention to me because I got married, now I see it's only because I got fat. I get attention again. And it feels GREAT. I don't want anyone but my husband, but it's nice when people want me. : )

Hope you girls are staying strong and thinking thin! I know I'm doing my best. And take care of yourselves... thin is no fun if you're dead.

Also, I see my ED therapist tomorrow at 9AM. I'm so nervous! I have no intention of ceasing my efforts to lose weight. But I don't want to die/purge/have miserable obsessive thoughts. Wish me luck! I'm nervous. I hope she isn't a bitch. I don't do well with those "tough love" style therapists. They just piss me off.

xoxo
chloe

Okay, so my brain has totally morphed into this obsessive calorie food processing machine. I do not like or enjoy this. I'm going to try to turn my obsession with my ED or my ED's obsession with me into a piece. I've been trying to think of something to write, and they say write what you know. I want to write about bellies and broccoli florets. I want to write about hair and pinching thighs between fore fingers. I want to write about cheese melting and red lipstick. I want to write about bodies and food. But never about eating. I want to de-food food. If that makes any sense. I want to turn it into an inanimate object. I want to portray a pizza as if it were as appetizing as a chalk board. If I can think of it that way I can really win, and besides, I think it will be a really interesting piece. The only hard part will be having to think/talk about food. But I think about food a lot anyway. Although, my hunger has seriously ebbed in the past few days. And just as I predicted I've lost a lot of weight now that my period has gone away. Here's my stat update:
5'5"
HW: 148
Weight a week ago: 127
CW: 124
LW:110
GW1: 110
UGA: 98

It's happening so much faster now that my stupid period is out of the way. I think I can easily get down to 123 today if I exercise, only eat some fruit, and drink plenty of water/coffee/green tea.

One last thing, I've been freaking out since last night about dinner tonight. I'm going up to my aunt's with my parents and she is grilling hamburgers. I thought about bringing a veggie burger for myself, but honestly those make me feel guilty anyway. I just don't think I can eat this burger. And If I do manage to eat it I don't think I can keep it down. But if I eat it and purge I'm going to feel horribly guilty. But I'm going to feel horribly guilty if I eat it and keep it down too. I just don't know what to do. I will probably eat it and purge. Because I want to seem normal to my family, and there would be nothing normal about me turning down a burger. Soo... I might eat like half and purge. I don't know, I feel like an ass for obsessing about one stupid burger looming in my future, but I don't really like to be exposed to unsafe foods. I'm excited about going up there though because her dog and my dog like to play together. Oh well... I'll survive.

xoxo
Stay strong and think thin!

Soo... last night while riding bikes home my husband "casually" mentions (more like cautiously mentions) that he bought a YEAR LONG subscription ($48 of OUR money) to none other than fucking Suicide Girls. WHAT THE FUCK? He says he wanted to look at tattoos. Do I look like a fucking idiot? So basically for the next year I can know that my husband is looking at naked girls that are thinner than me. And the worst part? I DID Suicide Girls when I was 18, back when it very first started, but my father found out and I begged Missy to take it down. Which she did. I am determined to lose weight and do it again. My husband always forbid me to do it, and frankly I didn't WANT to do it. But now I do. Just to prove to myself that I'm attractive enough for my own fucking husband. If he can (most likely) jerk off to these fucking girls, then I think it's only fair that I can be on the site. I HAVE to lose weight so that I can do this. I'm so fucking pissed. Ideally I'd like to just change his password so that he can't use it. Maybe he'll let me...

Ugh.

Me + not eating + working out + 7 beers + really tough bike ride at 3 am = me puking off my porch. not on purpose. but because i am weak and sad. ohhhh.... i feel terrible. exercise + drunk = awful!! i did see a really rad band... tell all about it tomorrow... *dying!!!*

Okay, aside from my mishap earlier (purging a relatively harmless 310 cal sandwich), today has been most excellent. I saw 125 on the scale for the first time in years. I walked/ran 5 miles and burned about 450 calories. And my intake has only been about 200. (That's subtracting the ill fated sandwich) So, I am at -200 if I take out exercise. Yay!

I had a super delicious low cal dinner too. I steamed a small head of broccoli (about 3 cups) (75 cal) and then I cooked some tofu (about 60 cals worth). I put some lemon juice and a dash of thai fish sauce on it for a yummy and super healthy filling dinner for only 135 cals! I highly recommend it. I actually feel full! I never get to feel full. Of course feeling full (regardless of whether or not it's from 100 cal or 1000) makes me feel fat and icky... but I'm trying to just accept it and enjoy it.

My day will not end quite so well though. I'm going to like 4 different bars and numerous telephone poles to post flyers. Given that I'm -200 right now I'm giving myself a MAX of 7 light beers. That may sound like a lot to some of you, but, eh, not me. That would put me at a little under 500 for the day, which isn't anything mind blowing, but is pretty fucking good for a beer day. I'm hoping to keep it around like 5 or 6 beers, but I'm trying to be realistic here.

I just hope I'm not a smidge over 126 tomorrow and ideally still at 125... /crosses fingers

think thin and stay strong!

Yesterday was a success. I'm finally down, as I said, to 126. Today was going fine until I ate this stupid sandwich (310 cals) and purged. I could have TOTALLY afforded to keep it down as I can easily work off 400 + cals. I don't know why I did it. I think I'm just so scared of losing my progress. I think I'll feel safer at 125, 124. I dunno. I just don't want to see the scale creep back up at all and it seems like if I eat anything heavy (even if it's relatively low cal) I gain like INSTANTLY. Oh well, the rest of my day is going to be made of water, salad, coke zero, and gum.

Stay Strong!

w00t! Didn't go bar hopping. Maybe I'll be a few pounds lighter in the morning for the nutritionist... I plan on wearing my lightest clothing to see him-- a t-shirt dress, sheer tights, and the flimsiest flats I have. I hate being weighed in clothing...it's no fair. I can barely stand to weigh myself with my hair wet. Yeah, dumb, I know.

Want to binge. Want to binge. Want to binge. Oh. my. fucking. god. This should NOT be this hard. I ate 100 cal bag of popcorn. Then I ate 2 sticks of celery with sriracha hot sauce on them. And I still want to fucking fucking stuff my face AFTER adding like 120 cals to my daily total bringing me to a grand total of... 380! At least I burned 300 walking today... so can I just tell myself that I've only had 80 cals today? I wish I could just EAT and feel FULL and not PUKE. Sorry for the caps. I'm just frustrated and pissed. And I'm still supposed to bar hop with my husband after his band practice. I can't imagine that I won't drink at least 572 calories worth of beer. (i.e. a six pack). Ugh. I'm so bummed. I want to b/p like a motherfucker but once just this fucking once I want to resist. _I_ am in control, not food.

Just ranting to keep myself from eating... /sigh... pay no mind.

I feel like a weakling. I've done really well today. I had a carnation instant breakfast mixed with 1 cup of skim milk for breakfast. (220 cals) Then I had 3 cups of baby romaine with 1/4 cup raw mushrooms and tsp. of capers and tsp. of vinegar (30 cals) for lunch. I did speed walking for an hour burning 302 cals, so I'm negative. I had a coke zero and a sugar free jello after my run (10 cals), and it made me feel like I was going to puke, which is good because it totally killed my appetite. I feel like a weakling because I get dizzy when I stand up. There are girls that fast for days and don't pass out. How is it that I actually eat food and still feel all woozy and dizzy? Lame. Sometimes I think I'm just telling myself I feel dizzy so I'll be all "Oh, well I guess I need food." And will let myself have a rice cake or something.

Regardless of the slight dizzyness/ nausea (sugar free jello is a wonderful thing, but it's still fucking gross), I'm feeling really good about my progress today. It's 9 PM here, and I reeally hope I don't eat or drink anything else today, but my husband wants to go post flyers for his band's show next week. That means that we will be going bar to bar posting flyers. That means I WILL drink beer because I have NEVER known myself to turn down beer. Which means I'm going to fuck up and feel crappy about it. I'm kind of hoping to get out of it. I love going on flyer posting missions, so it makes me a little sad that I would choose ana over something we could bond over, but dammit, I want to see some fucking progress and I'm never going to see it if I keep drowning myself in beer every other night. Albeit light beer...

Especially good news for me was that I was down to 126 after my work out! w00t, every pound counts and I fully expect to be even lower once my period gets the fuck out of town. I'm planning to go to the beach from Aug. 9-15th... so my goal is to be under 120 by the 9th. I think that's totally doable. I swear to god I would be so fucking thin if booze didn't exist. >< grr. It's fucking 2008. We should have the technology to make calorie free booze. C'mon science, where are your priorities??

ss & tt

I'm just posting so that I have something on here rather than nothing. I've had ED since I was about 15 or 16 and now I'm 25 and still "going strong". I was ana in high school and early college and was super thin and happy about it. Then I got fucking fat and became more mia (even though I did purge in high school some, I wasn't really mia). I've been mia ever since except the past 3-4 months I've become more Ana-Mia. I've lost weight, and I'm really happy about it. But I'm still 29 lbs away from my UGA of 98 (double digits would blow my mind). I study philosophy and english writing, love music, shows, going out, drinking, clothes etc... but lately the only thing I think about is food, weight, not eating food, low cal food blah blah blah. I've become obsessed and rather boring... BUT I'm getting thinner so it's worth it. I still binge and purge but my "binges" are what other people call regular meals.

My stats:
Height: 5'5"
HW: 148
LW: 110
CW: 127
GW1: 110
UGA: 98

I hope I can do it. These communities on LJ are really inspiring and helpful. I feel a little old to be on here, and part of me feels guilty for encouraging girls younger than me to do something I know could potentially hurt them. But I guess we are all our own people and teenagers are fully able to make their own choices, so I feel like support is all we can really do for each other. None of my friends IRL know about my ED and they would think I'm completely a) LAME and b) fucking crazy and stupid if they knew about my existence on here. My husband does know and he doesn't mind but gets sick of all my talking about calories.

SS & TT